I’ve worked with clients who have said, “I always seem to find something wrong with the other person and then I check out.” I’ve not only had clients say this, I found myself saying it as well. If you’re in the same boat, it might be time to self-reflect. It might not always be what’s wrong with the other person, maybe it’s something inside yourself that you need to work on or become aware of. If you find yourself always seeing one thing wrong, ask yourself these questions…
1) Am I projecting onto them something I don’t like in myself?
Projection is when we place on others something we see in ourselves, usually something we don’t like. This can be really hard to identify. We often feel so uncomfortable with our “weak” spots that we aren’t fully aware when we are going into projection mode. One example I have of this idea of projection is from a time I worked at a Women’s Shelter in Mexico. There was one woman who was very harsh to another woman in the shelter. For a time, I couldn’t figure it out. Later through conversations, I learned that the reason she did not like this woman is because she had dark skin and was from her same area of the country. This other woman was a picture of the shame she felt inside herself for her skin color. So, she put onto this woman the pain she was feeling inside. See if there is an area of your life that you don’t like, something about yourself, that you are quick to identify in others. If you find something, see if you can go about it with a new approach. Rather than being harsh and dismissive, see if you can accept that part of who you are and offer a bit of compassion.
2) Is this thing that is “wrong” a way to keep me protected, keeping me from going into deeper connection?
What have you learned about connection? Have your past relationships taught you that it’s safe or unsafe? The closer you get to someone, does uneasiness come up? Attachment styles is something I cover in my course. But it’s time to ask yourself if the reason you find something wrong with another person is because you fear getting close to another person. Is it too vulnerable? Ask yourself this question and just sit silently until you hear an answer.
3) Is this something I could live with if I were to continue in the relationship with them?
This question just helps put things in perspective. Finding something “wrong” isn’t always a bad thing. It can actually help you keep a certain standard. Settling might come back to bite you. BUT, if you’ve found that either of the first two questions could be true about you, then move forward and ask yourself, “is this thing I am not digging about this person something I can live with?” Even if it’s not perfect, it doesn’t mean you have to throw all the other really good aspects away that you have going for you in the relationship.
4) Do you go about decisions with your head rather than your heart?
Ah, again, a big topic I cover in my course! I love this topic. Just notice if you resort to one or the other. More often than not I’ve found those who operate from their head more than their heart have found a reason to tap out of a relationship more than those who bring their heart into the picture. Take a step forward to note how much you go about your dating life with your head and how much you go with your heart. If you find your head starts racing, this might mean it’s trying to protect you from potential harm. Notice it, and then see what’s underneath the racing thoughts.
If any of these questions struck a chord inside of you, I encourage you to check out my course designed to help you know if you’ve found “the one.” Even if you aren’t in a relationship, it’s a beneficial self-exploration to prepare you as you continue dating. Be brave on this journey to find love! Happy rooting!