Some people believe our past is just our past and has nothing to do with our current situations. Although I believe we are made to be resilient and build happy lives, I also think there is a lot of muck we need to sift through first. As I continue to see clients, I’ve noticed that the fights that seem to cut the deepest in their current romantic relationships (whether that be in dating relationships or marriages) are those that have a parallel to something from their past. Let me give you a few examples of what I mean:
-A young man is caught on the same woman for 3 years. They never dated, they never had words of romantic interest, but he was convinced she was interested despite all signs saying otherwise. He is wondering why he cannot get over what happened and his feelings of being unwanted and betrayed. What is also true of this man? He had a father who sent him away to be raised by his grandmother. His father didn’t want him because the mother could not have children after he was born.
-One woman had a distant father. He was around, but not involved. In her current marriage, her husband is laid back and “go with the flow,” but she was so hurt when he was uninvolved with some decisions during her pregnancy. She wonders why her husband “doesn’t care more?”
As readers, you might say, “Those are so easy to spot!” Yet, I bet there are some things in your own life that trigger you that you might be unsure of why they cut so deep. If you're dating and want help digging through your past, check out this course! Here are a few suggestions of how you can sort through your current fights that seem to bring out the worst in you:
1) Look at your parent’s relationship. Was one person more dominant? Was there any unfaithfulness? Was there a lot of shouting? How did they handle money issues?
2) Look at how you were treated as a child. Did you feel safe? Did you feel wanted and loved? Were you free to make your own decisions?
3) From those, see what messages you received about yourself. Make them “I statements.” Those messages often continue into the present day. So, from the example from above, the woman with the distant father might say, “I am unlovable.” See what emotions are tied to that statement and if it connects to your current relationship. If it does, it’s time to find healing with that false statement!
4) Make time to journal, meditate, pray. You could even make time to talk with a therapist about your situation. It’s hard to transform an area of your life if you have no awareness of what’s been wounded that needs to be healed, so take time to be reflective!
You’ll find that insight is not everything. You need to also be compassionate towards yourself and commit to the journey that deep wounds need to be healed. Insight is helpful, but compassion during the insight and using mindful insight are a must! You can find more on that in my course...check it out! I hope you experience freedom in your relationships! Happy Rooting :)